Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
