yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
