We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No subtext here. People are naked.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
