Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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