and next time when you feel me up, do it right
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
sarcasm needs its own font
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
