i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
