So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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