tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
