The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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