its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
