my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
