Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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