just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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