ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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