when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
