This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
