Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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