Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize