I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
