Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you had me at cake vodka
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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