oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My penis needs a shock collar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
