her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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