Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
