Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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