I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
