a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
