3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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