its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
