when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
