New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
