I want you more than these girls want KFC
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
