He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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