my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
