I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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