I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
