Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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