The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
