my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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