After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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