Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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