I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
