Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
