So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
