Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
