please come you make the beer taste better
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
