My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
