I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
