those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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