My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
