That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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