just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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