never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
