Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
