My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
