hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
God, I missed his penis.
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