I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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