i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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