I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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