Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
