She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You are a genius and a whore.
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