Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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