he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
